11 December 2022
When Prince Harry married RMT leader Mick Lynch back in 2016, there had been some concern that the union would meet resistance from less progressive members of the public and, indeed from older members of the royal household. Those fears turned out to be unfounded as the nation took Princess Mick to its hearts in a display of civic unity unrivalled since Kylie Minogue arrived on a giant flip-flop at Arthur Scargill’s state funeral.
Many people hoped that the nation’s unbounded admiration for the royal couple heralded a new era of openness for a country that had struggled to come to terms with its legacy of suboptimal industrial relations. The late Duke of Edinburgh reportedly adored Princess Mick, writing encouraging personal notes to the newcomer, and affectionately reminding him of what happened to Wat Tyler.
The Great British Public, meanwhile, took to social media to express their unanimous love for Harry and Mick. Many, to this day, are unaware of Mick’s socialism. And those who noticed it felt that his Marxist proclivities enriched the nation.
‘Edward VIII was a Nazi and Diana liked Duran Duran. Live and let live, I say,’ Royalist Ron Staunch told the Daily Mail from his mock Tudor hovel in Essex.
‘Just because he’s a left footer, it doesn’t mean he can’t embody a hierarchical structure of power and privilege in such a way that the oppressed remain so dazzled by displays of opulence that they forget their own poverty. Some of my best friends are anarcho-syndicalists.’
So, imagine the sense of betrayal when it was revealed this week that Princess Mick was hell-bent on ruining Christmas. At a time when the nation was shivering under the thin blanket of a £66-per-month cost-of-living payment, the former national treasure was observed setting light to a manger at his $450 million Montecito ranch.
Christmas has endured several anni horribili of late. Ever since Sadiq Khan persuaded the United Nations to classify the winter festival as a war crime, it has become routine for families to be herded into re-education camps for the festive season. Here, under the guidance of Gary Lineker and Just Stop Oil, they are encouraged to celebrate a non-gendered, vegan Ecomas. Morecambe and Wise is forbidden viewing.
Old traditions are hard dying, though, and if you know where to look you can still see underground expressions of the old Christmas. In Cardiff’s St David’s Centre, for instance, they have managed to evade the authorities and play Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ 500 times a day since late September, in a powerful statement of spiritual opposition to Khan and Lineker’s New Order.
That Christmas still exists at all is, of course, thanks to the bravery of our fallen leader, Boris Johnson. Boris, as everybody acknowledges, got the big decisions right and none was more important than his valiant sacrifice of a few hundred thousand grannies to save Christmas. Princess Mick would do well to study Boris’ example if he is ever to recover the affection of the nation.
These are uncertain times and leadership is thin on the ground. Only this week we have lost the wise guidance of the statesman Matt Hancock, who has chosen to lend his wisdom and expertise to media interests in the private sector. As patriots, we are tested as never before, and I am confident that I speak for all of you in expressing the devastation we felt when the Duchess of Cambridge put that penalty over the bar against France last night. For the epitome of elegance and grace to be mocked by fate in such a stark manner caused me to question the existence of a benign deity.
But never mind, we have our faith to rely upon: Kate good/Meghan bad, Business good/unions bad – and anyone who says different is insulting our late Queen.
 Writing this left me wondering how Daily Mail columnists manage to assemble similar stuff so frequently. Forcing information into this strange shape is exhausting.
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